For some close, long time friends, I feel like a broken record. “Hey! We are pregnant! Pray for us.” then 4-6 weeks later…”Well, I had a miscarriage. Pray for healing.”
Then to other friends, I feel like a sappy puppy. “We had all these fertility struggles and miscarriages, adopted an amazing boy, had ANOTHER miscarriage, then conceived and birthed a spunky girl.” And I will now have to add that was followed by another miscarriage.
For other friends, they see our family and do not suspect that there were struggles or losses at all.
But the reality is that we have struggled to become pregnant for years. And through those years we have had moments where we thought all the struggles were coming to an end when we finally got our positive pregnancy test. Then in our (and our doctors’) greatest moments of confidence and clarity we have lost pregnancies. Yes, we do have two children, but that does not take away the hurt of having miscarriage after miscarriage.
This miscarriage of 2015 was the easiest and hardest. The FOURTH miscarriage we have had. The miscarriage when our children understood what a baby was…and that there was a baby in Mami’s tummy. This was the miscarriage AFTER I had a beautiful and amazing pregnancy and birth. This was my FOURTH miscarriage. This was my first natural miscarriage, no D&Cs. Previously our miscarriages went basically like this….show up at the doctor’s office thinking we would see a beating heart, but instead be drugged, wheeled into a surgery center and come out not pregnant. But this miscarriage was different. This miscarriage I bled for days; I had ultrasounds; we saw the heartbeat; then I had contractions, I reached down and I held what could have been.
This was the easiest and the hardest miscarriage. No woman should have to even say these words but so many women do. So many of the women I know have experienced not one, but multiple miscarriages. You categorize them by the place, time, season of life, experience. Some people can move on quickly, others hold onto those losses and struggle to take the next step and others might even gloss over the loss(es) by focusing on something else in their lives. This was the easiest because I knew what to expect especially emotionally and I was open about the experience with my friends, so I haven’t had to hide my sadness and disappointment. It is the hardest because I DID tell everyone, so I felt embarrassed and a failure, although I shouldn’t feel this way. It was the hardest because my children have asked regular questions about our loss and it hurts me that they looked forward to having a sibling and right now that is not going to happen.
In the past I did a lot of blaming, mostly on myself and my actions. This time around I had a different outlook on my miscarriage. Originally I thought my body failed me, but then I realized my body was doing something AMAZING, it successfully knew that this would be the same outcome as our previous losses and protected us from future issues. You see, all my previous miscarriages have been due to chromosomal abnormalities. We know this because they all were tested and confirmed different problems with the genetic core of their DNA. My body knew that the outcome of this situation was the same as those and before things progressed too much, my body was a warrior and released what could have been so that we could move on.
I am not sure if this change of heart was because I have matured in my life, or because I now have two beautiful children from two different outcomes (one adopted and one biological), or because I am just tired of blaming myself. I will be honest and say I didn’t start down this healthy path to reconcile a FOURTH miscarriage. It has taken me a while and I still struggle some days. Then I realize that I (and my body) am a warrior and I have to believe that God put this miscarriage at this point of my life for a reason and He believes in me to do something great out of it.
Yes, I had a miscarriage…..again. Does it hurt me to the core, Hell yes. Will I let it get the better of me? No. I have pondered long and hard on this blog post and how to put so many thoughts on paper, by saying it simply:
I had my fourth miscarriage, I am hurting, my family is hurting, we are slowly moving on, but I am lifting up my amazing body and my faith in God that this was perfectly planned.
On this note, I would like to say, if you have or ever do experience a miscarriage….I hope that you talk to someone. I will always be here to talk to any person who is going through this kind of loss.
Romans 8:18 (NIV)
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (The Message)
All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
I’m so sorry for your loss! I experienced my first miscarriage 6 months ago after months of fertility treatments. It sounds like it went similar to your first two. It was/awful. There were no chromosome abnormalities so I just have that lingering “why”, but I’m trying to be positive battle the constant fears that are fighting to take over.
Wow. As someone who has been walking the infertility journey for 3+ years I am so sorry. While I have never seen a positive test, I have walked the m/c road with so many including a girl in my group I lead who has also had 4. Thanks for sharing your heart and seeing scripture in the pain. Jesus is good even though we don’t understand His ways!