Loving my Singleton this TwinZone Tuesday

Today’s Twinzone Tuesday post is actually an empathetic salute to my singleton son. When all my friends were expecting their second child, I remember their excitement in preparing their older sibling, and I observed the trials and tribulations of many friends incorporating a newborn into the family and introducing them to the older sibling…..Sadly, very few know what an older singleton has to go through with having younger twin siblings enter the picture! Well, I do and it is doubly difficult!!

Instant isolation of singleton when twins come along
Instant isolation of singleton when twins come along

Every Valentine’s Day is extra special to me because my singleton was born just days before Valentine’s day. Two years later, our amazing surprise of twins were born, and there is so much to say and experience with twins that I now dedicate every Tuesday to just writing about being in the TwinZone. However, the allurement of twinship can be emotionally costly to other siblings in the family. One reason why I named my experience TwinZone, is that it’s a venture for all family members included and no one is excluded from that.

Constant battle inclusion/exclusion
Constant battle inclusion/exclusion

Being family focused, I’ve spent many days worrying about how my singleton child feels and will feel about their position in a family with multiples. My pregnancy with the twins was hard and my singleton son was still so young, just two years of age, when I brought the twins home. He was used to having my full attention and focus and this all went away with the twins and a travelling husband. It was hard for my singleton. Adapting to one new sibling is not easy for any child, especially one so young, so just try and imagine how difficult it was to adapt to two new siblings instantaneously. Alone time with him no longer existed and I had no energy to give after around the clock newborn twin care. It was beyond hard (for both of us!) and I will always carry some guilt of instant neglect. I think some of that neglect caused my singleton child to act out more because there were two newborns on mom’s arms and not an arm left to hold or put around him.

When they say that nothing can prepare you for twins, well nothing can prepare a young toddler for twin siblings and nothing can prepare a mother for how hard it is to handle the isolation of that older singleton when twins come along.

Nothing can prepare a young toddler for twin siblings.
Nothing can prepare a young toddler for twin siblings….one was great…two not so great!

I’ve made very specific adaptations in our family to make sure he feels just one of three amigos, or extra special because of the twins, but not that it is him vs the twins. Several posts listing tricks we’ve utilized to do this will be posted in some upcoming TwinZone Tuesdays.

Just right now, today, for TwinZone Tuesday I wanted to write an acknowledging love post to my amazing singleton. He is so very special and unique, and is an amazing older brother. Thinking about that other special child of ours who gave me the inspiration to blog in the beginning, my compadre to play board games with when the twins nap, nighttime snuggler when daddy is traveling, my first born, my precious singleton in the TwinZone.

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5 thoughts on “Loving my Singleton this TwinZone Tuesday”

  1. Hello, coming over from our “likes” on each other’s Facebook pages today. 🙂

    My husband has 17 year old twins, a boy and a girl, and boy, let me tell ya, it is interesting. Two people who shared a womb could not be more different! I also have older sisters that are twins, so I can relate on a small level to having twin siblings, although I can imagine what it’s like for a singleton who until they arrived, enjoyed having everything all to himself! Either way, twins are interesting, and fun, and can drive you absolutely batty!

    • Hi Emily, thanks for the feedback, likes, and support!! How much older are your twin siblings. What is your relationship like with them…..Yes, twins are interesting and bring a whole new realm of everything….

  2. I’m the younger sibling of twins. It’s horribly isolating, and I want you to reread the article you wrote, because you mention your non-twin at the end, whilst saying it has been a love letter, despite the whole article being about your non-twin in reference to the twins. It will always be this way for your un-twin, so please try to be less insensitive. I can see you’re trying, but it might help to have an un-twin read it for you so you can see where you’re going wrong. The whole point is that if we are mentioned at all, it is always in reference to our siblings. We are isolated and don’t have a partner whilst growing up, so if this is a ‘love letter’, please think about how bad it usually is!

  3. In fact, on closer examination, I can’t see a single sentence written about the non-twin which doesn’t also talk about twins. You probably don’t even know you’re doing it, and I can see you’re trying to be empathetic, so that’s good, and I hope you can take this insight and see it’s not just someone being negative for the sake of it – I don’t want your non-twin to go through a similar experience to mine and it sounds like you’re more open to identifying and solving problems than my parents were. My father actually told me that when it was just the twins, the family was complete, and then I came along by accident. He doesn’t have the self awareness to see how hard that would be to hear, or how true it was. Don’t make the same mistakes my parents did. I love them all, but I have always been looking in on a family I wanted to belong to but just didn’t, being an afterthought.

    • Dear Anon,
      I read and re-read your response. I want you to know that I appreciate the time and discernment evident in your response. It is obvious that your family is important to you and the dynamic within. I want you to know that what I appreciate most is the fact that you express care for my son’s well-being, relating to him indirectly, and that really means a lot to me. You want me to do well for him as a parent and so I thank you for your insightful words. I take them to heart.

      I love all my sons with all my heart and struggle as an imperfect human in my attempt to both help the twins feel individual from each other, considered unique and appreciated as such, and for my singleton to feel a part of us as a whole, as a family team, rather than isolated. Your words inspire me to continue to think carefully how I discuss such topics with my sons, even though I will probably continue to write posts dedicated to the unique difficulties involved in having twins, as a support for other mothers in this somewhat rare situation. I will continue to think carefully on how to always make our special singleton feel the infinite breadth and width of love we have for him specifically, as inclusively as possible. Your words remind me of that goal.

      If you have additional thoughts on specific ways I and/or my husband could help thwart the future feeling of isolation in our singleton, or things we could specifically affirm, I would truly appreciate your unique insight, even if it’s just a few simple things.
      Kindest Regards,
      Beth Schoen, WiseMommies

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