This fire drill happened a few months back. But it was definitely a fire drill for our family.
Wait, what is that? Why is that happening now? I am seven days early in my cycle.
OMG, is that implantation bleeding? No, it can’t be! The timing is not right. Where is my tracker……Sex on this day. Sex on this day. Ovulation on this day. According to it I guess I could be pregnant, but NO it doesn’t make sense.
Am I pregnant?????
Wait….I’m breastfeeding. I hear that you should stop breastfeeding if you are pregnant…especially if you have had losses before. What if by breastfeeding I lose this baby. Is it even a baby? What is going on?????
Should I tell my husband? I have to, I am freaking out! He is my partner in this.
The above were thoughts that went through my head when I got an unexpected surprise a few months ago.
I then talk to my husband and we decide I need to ask someone who has experience with these sorts of things. It has been YEARS since I have had to worried about tracking sex, cycles, luteal phases, mucus and the whole craziness. I don’t remember these things and Googling is making me nervous. I am most nervous about the breastfeeding and being pregnant.
We decide we will contact our doula. She experienced her own infertility and is so knowledgeable with all things related to birth and breastfeeding. After discussing with her we decide we are not doing anything drastic about the breastfeeding until we know for sure whether I am pregnant. In looking at the dates of how things laid out we either caught the egg REALLY late out of the gate or I was having a short cycle, only time would tell.
I start doing this silly visualization exercise that helps calm me during these types of moments. When we were struggling to have children I was told my uterus was not “fluffy” or thick enough for the egg to implant into and grow. In this “welcome home” visualization I imagine this fertilized egg settling down into a nice happy nest and making its home there. While I go to sleep I think of this egg and it’s new fluffy home and encourage it to be happy and healthy. Yes, silly, but it works for me.
Four days later my spotting became the real deal and we now know we are not pregnant. It could have been a missed period or a short luteal phase, but in our hearts, the question is real….do we want to try for a third?
We talk a lot about it over the next few days. Very typical for us we decide we would give “trying” a chance until my 40th birthday. If I am not pregnant by then, we would move on. I think honestly, we both don’t have a whole lot of faith this will work, but we have faith in God that he will lead our family and our hearts. We also decide we are not going to go crazy with the trying. We will track my cycles like before and try to time sex accordingly but I am not going to focus on this regularly like I did eight years ago.
I will never know if that early spotting was a little egg trying to make its nest in my uterus. But I do know that this experience has made my husband and I really talk about having a third child and that was the purpose of this little fire drill.
This is a continuation of my journey through the thoughts, feelings and experiences contemplating adding a third child to our family. My initial post provides a glimpse into the reality and the joke of this question for our family. I also question The 40 Year Gap and discuss how our family is Comfortable as a Family of Four. I also share our Pregnancy Fire Drill that happened a few months ago. I really struggle if I should go in The Bubble when trying to conceive. I then asked the question, “Can Facebook Help Me Get Pregnant?” My husband and I also consider Is Gender Selection for Us or Just for Fun? Then we tried my Trifecta for Getting Pregnant and it worked!!!
(A big THANK YOU to Lauren at Urban Formality for putting my visualization into artwork above).